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May 18, 2005
Outlook
I feel completely guilty that all I want is for time to elapse so that I can be better. There have definitely been serious ups and downs so far in my life, but right now, everything is “up” except my calf. (That is dangerous to write. I need to knock on wood). I know that someday I am going to look back and say, “I wish I had one more day in Boston/at that age/with my grandparents. I wish I had one week without the kids! I wish I had one more day before [insert life event here].” And right now, all I want is for time to pass so that I can be healed. How I feel is the exact opposite of “appreciating every moment.” Plus, I am quite aware there are actual problems in the world. In short, I want time to elapse (which I can't do anything about), I realize someday I'll regret it, and I feel completely guilty for caring so much about my leg. Awesome combination of emotions to work through as I type this, huh? I'm going to work on my outlook.
The reason I feel this way is because something just feels off with my calf. I can kind of feel my calf being a bit sore when I walk and it felt weird even when I was swimming this morning (30 minutes, ¾ “normal”, ¼ pulling). I can’t believe it didn’t get better in 2 weeks. I don’t know. I am going to try to run again tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes. The good news is running yesterday seemed to stretch everything else in my leg out and make it feel better (knee, behind the knee, quad). That all feels fine. Off to spend some quality time with my laptop. Well, I am not actually moving anywhere, but I have to open MS Word and start typing about something other than my calf.
Posted by Audrey at May 18, 2005 07:38 AM
Comments
I have feelings like that all the time -- I'm fully aware that I should appreciate everything I have in life a lot more, but it can be really hard to MAKE yourself do that. I once made a comment about just wanting the week to be over to a friend whose mother had just died of cancer. He told me I should never wish for time to pass...I assumed he was thinking of his mother when he said this, so every time I have thoughts like that, I think of what he said and remind myself how good I have it.
My experience has been that injuries never heal on schedule, but they do always heal. I hope that your life becomes so exciting and fun in the near future that you don't even notice how much the time has flown by, and bam - suddenly you realize your calf is all better :-) That may be a little on the optimistic side, but stranger things have happened. Good luck!
Posted by: Alison at May 18, 2005 09:19 AM
A wierd thing I found as injuries heal is that they do it "backwards". If they start as a funny little cramp feeling, that turns to pain, and then to torture, then end up healing in the opposite way. That little cramp feeling ends up being the last discomfort. Its wierd.
Have patience, Audrey, I know its damn hard. Its healing, just takes a little while.
Hoping that calf has gotten itself together.
Posted by: Jon in Michigan at May 18, 2005 09:54 AM
I completely understand how you feel because I feel the same way too a lot of the time. And everything you say is true, but it's hard sometimes to just feel grateful and love everything when you don't feel like it. I guess it's just hard when a lot of your life revolves around running but you're not actually running (I think you've mentioned something similar at some point). I guess it's the whole "balance" thing but it's hard.... Anyway I hope you feel better, my knee is kind of like your calf. It doesn't really bother me at all except when I run for a bit so I haven't made any progress yet. Hopefully the PT will work some magic (by the way I agree that one should marry a PT or other type of therapist, how wonderful would that be!?)
Posted by: Nanda at May 18, 2005 10:29 AM